Rescue Me
by Little Miss Fake-it
Summary: Right before Lily's seventh year of Hogwarts she feels worthless, alone and insecure. She falls into the hands of Ana to help her. Can James rescue her before she starves herself to death?
1. Welcome To My Life

**Okay well hi there :) I hope you guys like this chapter...I know it kinda sucks (in my opinion) I just...I dunno review tell me what you think. **

**Prologue**

"Lily! You have to stop this!"

"Stop what Potter? I'm perfect now." I said as I took my last breath before darkness surrounded me. I could've sworn all I heard was Potter saying he loved me.

**Chapter one:**

"Lily!" Mum screamed as I went through the wall emerging from platform nine and three quarters. Mum ran over hugging me while Petunia only smirked glaring at me.

My home had lost that homely feeling over six year ago. Now Hogwarts was my true home. I smiled knowing with mum it was only an act at least with Petunia I knew where we stood all the time.

"Oh Lily did you gain weight again? You look so fat, maybe you should stop eating those stupid wizard treats they only go straight to your hips." Petunia said and I only sighed smiling at her.

"Nice to see you too, sister." I looked behind me seeing Potter staring obviously he'd heard my sister because he gaped in shock before turning back to his friends laughing again.

"See you next year, Evans!" Potter called and I smiled waving goodbye wondering if I'd even survive the summer.

"Bye Lily!" Beatrice screamed smiling before running over hugging me. She was great full of energy, always so happy that's what I was like at Hogwarts but it was all a façade, not real. Really I dreaded coming home I was only happy that sixth year was over and seventh would soon be upon us then I could leave.

"Come on dear, time to go." Mum said and I smiled following her to the car. I put my stuff in the trunk and took my seat beside Petunia.

"What are you doing?" Mum turned and I shrugged unsure of what she meant. "All those people they couldn't possibly be your friends, who could ever love you. You're a freak."

A freak that's all I'd ever be in my family. My father was silent but I knew soon, he'd be screaming at me and hitting me and nobody would care. Nobody ever did.

Tears filled my eyes but I only blinked them back knowing there would be time for weakness later.

The drive to the house was fast and I took my stuff up to my room. In five months I'd be able to use magic maybe then I could gain some control over my life, but I knew even then I would never threaten any family member with magic.

"Lily!" Mum called and I ran downstairs and mum stood at the bottom of the stairs hands on her hips. "I need to speak to you Lily." I nodded unsure of what to say. "Who was that boy at the train station? Are you pregnant with his child, slut?" She brought her hand up slapping me hard across the face causing me to gasp. "Answer my question!"

"No mum of course not."

"Dominic!" My father came into the room his black eyes immediately focused on me. "The slut managed to get herself pregnant." I opened my mouth about to say something but the blow to my stomach only managed to knock the breath out of me.

I collapsed to the floor holding my stomach before my dad kicked me repeatedly while my mother laughed. "Get upstairs you piece of trash." He said after what seemed like forever. I got to my feet barely managing to keep my balance. I tripped up the stairs before going to my room collapsing against the door tears pouring down my face.

None of this is James' fault, it's mine. The only person I ever told was Severus but now him and I aren't friends anymore so I truly am alone.

I went into my trunk and pulled out my razor blades. I took a new one out and slid it across my ankle where nobody would ever see.

I smiled as the blood dripped from the cut releasing every feeling of unease within me and soon I was able to fall into bed feeling peaceful.

Before sleep took over I looked out my window and wished on a star that i'd make it through the summer.

**Okay well good bad? Just a little insight as to what Lily's life is like at home...mildly depressing but I dunno. So well review let me know if should even bother continuing. **

**-Little Miss fake it**


	2. Faith In The Knife

**Okay so I won't say much the author's note at the end is long enough just uh...sorry for this chapter it's kinda dark... :/ **

"Oh fatass. I'm hungry." My older sister said her face looming over mine.

"Fine I'll be down in a minute." I said and she smiled skipping off down the stairs. I got up groaning in pain and went downstairs getting the bacon and pancake mix out of the fridge and cupboard. I made enough for my parents and sister knowing I wouldn't get any myself.

I finished setting the dishes onto the table before starting on the dishes. "Ya fatass doesn't get any. Thank you though." I nodded surprised she'd even said thank you before putting the dishes away.

"Ya enjoy your breakfast bitch." I said under my breath.

"What was that?" My father said and I turned on my heel not noticing him before.

"Just to enjoy your breakfast." His palm came in connection with my cheek causing blood to fill my mouth.

"Liar. Go up to your room, bitch. Two weeks no coming down for anything! You understand!" He screamed and I nodded going up the stairs.

I was nearly half way up before my dad came up behind me tugging me by my hair. "Oh and Lily I think you forgot something. He held my up by my hair before pushing me down the stairs. He walked away laughing as I used the railing to drag myself up the stairs.

Staying in my room for two weeks was like heaven, if heaven included self-harming and starving. All that came was a letter from Marauders, Beatrice and my friend Nicole. If it weren't for the cupcake James sent I probably would've been dead. My cat was already thin but at least she could sneak outside and eat mice.

I was let out of my room but only to cook for my family and get beatings from dad. Petunia never stopped calling me fat. All I wanted was somebody to save me, even if it were James. I'm just a fatass I don't deserve help, I deserve this. I. Am. Nothing.

"Lily!" I looked in my mirror making sure I looked somewhat okay before going downstairs preparing myself for hell.

"Yes mum?"

"Your school list came in." I grabbed it from her and put on a fake smile.

"I'm going to need to get this stuff." I said and my mother nodded.

"Okay your father will drive you if I heard of any shenanigans there will be punishment. You understand slut?" I nodded and she smiled.

"Dominic!" She screamed and my father bounded into the room. "Our daughter need a ride to Diagon Alley will you drive her?" he nodded and took my arm dragging me to the car. I was only thankful for my summer job a few years back that'd given me plenty of wizard money. None of them really understood how to convert it so I'd told a little white lie that it was more than it should've been. Now I had 300 galleons and 30 sickles.

"So you will not speak to any freaks?" I shook my head "you will not act like a freak?" I shook my head "And you will not be a slut." I shook my head and he slapped me across the face once.

"Oh and Lily?" I nodded and he came closer grabbing me "You are mine." He hissed before shoving me from the car.

I stood panicked on the sidewalk before turning into Diagon Alley wishing to wipe off the filfth I now felt living all over me.

"Evans!" A familiar voice said as I entered Gringotts. I turned seeing Potter and smiled at him happy to see a familiar face no matter how arrogant he may be.

"You okay?" I nodded and he looked at me twice. "I don't believe so."

"Why not? I'm fine." I said forcefully and he shrugged.

"You're completely bruised and your clothes are too big."

"I'm okay Potter. I've just been fighting with my sister. You know how it is."

"No I don't actually. I have no siblings." I shrugged and he nodded.

"James!" His mom screamed and I turned seeing a woman with long dark hair smiling at us.

"I'd better go bye Evans." I nodded and he ran off. I wished I had parents like his. Parents who treated me with respect and didn't feel the need to beat me or starve me because of what I was. I longed for parents who'd love me. Yet dad had never grabbed me like that before and I hated to think of what would follow.

Only a month and a half left I told myself as a goblin escorted me to my vault. I took out enough money before I did all my shopping.

Dad picked me up and drove me home not mentioning earlier and giving no hint of what he'd do later.

I walked into my room blood running down my legs, bruises covering my body. I felt horrible and all I wanted was to die. Tears ran down my cheeks and I knew I had to trust somebody but I didn't know who I could trust. James was too arrogant along with all his Marauders, I was truly alone.

I didn't sleep that night or any night for the next few weeks I stayed in my room as the bruises got worse, there were bruises upon bruises and night after night there were more scars and cuts covering my body.

Things didn't get better only worse as I counted down the days until school, so far only three left. "Lily!" I ran downstairs and my mother glared at me. "We want to know why we saw this owl with a note from a boy." My father held up Potter's owl by its talons and the note in the other hand.

"Let him go That isn't even my owl his owner will be extremely angry." I said and dad only laughed.

'You slut, you slept with this boy before even dating!" I looked at him prepared for the beating all emotion had left me.

My dad laughed letting the bird go and he flew out the open window. My father grabbed me by my hair lifting me off the ground and smirked. "You are mine nobody else's!" I whimpered in pain and my father laughed dropping me letting me land with a thump on the hardwood floor.

"Go to your room I can't stand to look at you anymore." I said and I ran up the stairs as fast as I could before going into my trunk grabbing my blade and dragging it across my wrist.

The blood bubbled at the surface and I smiled as the blood kept coming. I smiled as I started feeling dizzy and believed death had finally come for me.

**Okay hi all...so how do you like the ending :P don't worry I'll update tomorrow right after I finish my civcs homework -_- So anyways sorry for the cliffy (i'm not really sorry) and if you haven't noticed by now the chapter titles are song titles as well... **

**Welcome to my life-simple plan  
>Faith in the knife-Scary Kids Scaring Kids <strong>

**So it took me like 40 minutes just to find a song for this chapter...(Thabnks yahoo answers lol) So ya...this is the closest I could get to well describing the chapter... **

**So ya enjoy and thanks for all the feedback for my last chapter I appreciate it a lot :D**

**Also Rebekah: Thanks so much for the review and here I am continuing :D **


	3. A Time for Yohe

**Well here you go the next chapter after the cliffy. did you really think I'd kill her after only two chapters? So here you go enjoy and thanks for all the people who've faved this and subscribed and reviewed so far :D Keep reading...also I have to appologise in advance for how fast I made time go...I just didn't want to write anymore Lily abuse. **

I woke on my bedroom floor the light in my eyes and checked my watch seeing two days had passed.

Today was the day I caught the Hogwarts Express. I knew my parents wouldn't drive me so I took the fifty dollars of muggle money I kept hidden under the floorboards and snuck downstairs calling a cab. I threw my trunk out the window before landing beside it in the bushes.

The cab showed up and I grabbed my trunk and my cat, Sapphire before going into the cab telling him to go to the station. I knew I looked a mess but I didn't care I'd change once I got on the train.

"Here you go ma'am King's Cross Station." I smiled and grabbed my trunk and Sapphire before grabbing a trolley and loading my stuff onto it and going onto the train into an empty compartment. I immediately changed into my wizarding clothes and stashed my bloodied muggle clothing in the bottom of my trunk.

I sighed and put my legs up on the seat leaning against the window as tears rolled down my face every built up emotion spilling out.

"Evans?" I looked up and unfortunately saw Potter in the doorway.

"What do you want?" I asked wiping my eyes.

"You okay?" He asked and I nearly laughed.

"Do I look okay to you, James?" I asked feeling ashamed for breaking down in front of him.

"So why are you upset? Do I need to beat up Snivellus?" I shook my head willing him to go away.

"I'm fine, Potter just leave me alone." He nodded before turning back probably going to laugh with his friends about how pathetic I am.

I let the tears fall again as I waited for the train to approach Hogwarts.

I got off the train and smiled seeing Beatrice and Rachel. They smiled hugging me and we went getting onto one of the carriages. The thing is this was the sort of thing Cinderella would've ridden to the ball but I sure didn't feel like any Cinderella.

We got off the carriage and went into the main hall preparing for the feast. I didn't want to eat though I looked better than I had in months; I finally looked pretty and perfect. I rested my head on my hand as the first years got sorted and Dumbledore made his speech. Mostly just about how dark times were upon us and how we shouldn't give in to the dark lord's influence, blah, blah, blah.

Food came and my mouth watered seeing everything. I spooned a little bit of corn, broccoli, biscuits and some chicken and ride onto my plate. I spread it around so it looked like more before eating it slowly trying to act casually.

As dinner faded and desert was served I simply grabbed a tart and took tiny bite fulls until everyone around me was done. "Lily are you okay? You didn't eat that much." Nicole said and I only smiled and shrugged.

"I'm okay just had a bit lunch and snacks on the train." I said casually and they nodded believing me automatically. The tables cleared and I knew it was time to take the kids up to the dormitories. I looked at Potter and we got up at the same time. "First years this way to the Gryffindor dormitories." James and I called out as younger kids started following us.

"You sure you're okay, Evans?" Potter asked staring at me and I nodded wondering if I'd been wrong, maybe he wasn't so arrogant. We sent the kids on their way before I went to the Prefects bathroom starting myself a bath before I saw the toilet and had an idea.

I grabbed my toothbrush and went to the toilet kneeling in front of it. I stuck the toothbrush down my throat and vile started coming up filling my mouth.

I did this routine until my stomach felt empty again. I smiled contently and rinsed off my toothbrush before getting into the tub moaning as the warmth surrounded me. I hadn't realized how cold I was until now. I scrubbed off all the emotions from this summer and starred at the healing cuts and scars telling myself it'd never happen again.

I got out of the bath and put on my nightgown, one of the few I'd kept at the bottom of my trunk out of harm's way. I climbed the stairs to the head girl's dormitory and smiled as I passed Potter. He was only across the hallway in a sense. The hallway was about ten feet long and on his side it went down to all the boy's rooms and on my side to all the girl's rooms. Yet like the dormitories only I was allowed on his side not the other way around.

"Goodnight Potter."

"Sweet dreams, Evans." He said before I went into my room closing the door and collapsing onto my bed and falling asleep.

**OKay so there's the end...kinda sweet :) So I hoped you liked it I'll update again tomorrow :)**


	4. Easier To Run

**Okay hi sorry it's a bit late...while i'm here and in the mood I might work on the next chapter and update it...I dunno yet. So ya. Sorry i had youth group and I didn't have the motivation to update...it was just a difficult night... but I'll save you the sob story :/ **

I woke up to Sapphire purring by my head and sat up in bed figuring it was time for breakfast or at least Charms class. "Evans you're going to miss breakfast!" James yelled and I groaned getting out of bed and meeting him in the hallway.

"Evans, have you looked at yourself?"

"Why what's wrong?" I asked and looked down seeing my scars and cuts but that couldn't be it. I touched my hair and nodded it felt out of place and array.

"Your hair looks ridiculous." I nodded before disappearing back into my room and changing into robes. I pulled a brush through my hair and sorted through my books figuring for today I only needed Charms, transfigurations and Potions textbooks since Potions was a double block today.

I went to Charms smiling as I got there early and pulled out my textbook reading through chapter one. It was basic pretty much a review of last year. "Miss Evans you're here early." Mr. Jenkins said and I merely shrugged smiling at him. He was a nice teacher he didn't pry and often which was better for me.

I continued studying as my class filed in and of course Potter just had to sit beside me. "Hi Evans, didn't see you at breakfast." He said and I shrugged.

"I was there you probably just didn't notice." I said casually and he shrugged as Nicole came and sat beside me sniggering at Potter as she did so.

Charms didn't catch my interest like it used to, class seemed to drag on and on all I wanted was out Transfiguration wasn't any fun but at least McGonagall was a somewhat entertaining teacher.

Luckily Mr. Jenkins dismissed us and I walked with Nicole to Transfiguration. "So Lily you look absolutely stunning what did you do?" She asked and I smiled at her.

"Nicole you're gorgeous already but all I did was take up running." I said casually and Nicole nodded not looking at all convinced when really I'd give anything to look like her. She was gorgeous and me well…I was bruised and scarred. I'm damaged goods who would ever love me?

Nicole and I walked into Transfiguration taking seats near the back behind the Marauders. I couldn't help but look at James, Really look at him he was good looking in that confident kind of way and did seem to genuinely care about his friends…. I mentally slapped myself for thinking like this and reminded myself of the many times he'd beaten up Severus.

"Okay students today I wanted to discuss a few things for your future rather than do work. As all of you know it's your final year and many of you are starting to think of your future. You need to do well on your finals to get out into the world and I refuse to let any of your fail. Gryffindor's because I am your head of house and Hufflepuffs well because I care about every house and I want to see you all succeed."

"You are all bright students and I know you have the skill to do well beyond this point. I know many of you have stresses of your own whether it be family, boys, etcetera but I believe you can succeed."

I started zoning out thinking of the days my mother had used to say the same to me…back when I'd been….normal….

Mom had actually loved me now she barely looked at me and when she did she'd usually go off at me calling me a freak, worthless, etc. Dad only hit me….back when I was growing up I'd been his 'little princess'

A tears sprung free and I hastily wiped it away but not before James Potter saw. He looked alarmed for a moment before turning back to McGonagall. Of course he wouldn't care because he'd just turn away as soon as things got tough.

I looked down sadly and rested my head on my schoolbag trying to stay in reality since dwelling on the past didn't do me any good.

"Okay students off to lunch but I want a one thousand word essay on why good marks, goals and knowing what you want to do are important." I got up and went to lunch with Nicole I didn't want to eat but the pain in my stomach told me I should. I wanted to be perfect though, I wanted to look perfect I wanted to extinguish this pain that sat inside me.

I filled my plate with a biscuit, a half of a cucumber sandwich and Caesar salad before eating slowly as James kept his eyes on me. I ignored him and went into a discussion with Nicole about what she'd done over the summer. Luckily meal ended as she asked how mine had gone. "I have potions I'll see you later." She nodded and I went to Potions feeling nervous without either of my friends there I had no idea who I'd be with. Since there were four Marauders and that possibly left me alone….

There was no way I'd be with Severus considering who he'd become but looking back I wondered if I could've prevented it or if somehow Severus Snape becoming a death eater were my fault…

"hey Evans we're partners right?" I shrugged as we got to potions and Potter took a seat beside me.

"Hello students, welcome to a fun year I actually wanted to start with a potion today the instructions are on page sixty-nine and get started. I pulled out my book and put it on a stand in between the cauldron and sent James up for the ingredients. I looked over the potion and noticed it looked fairly easy just a concoction to heal the common cold. Mrs. Pomprey must've been out or something.

"So Lily you okay?" Potter asked and I was surprised he'd used my first name; he hadn't done so since….well ever.

"I'm perfectly fine thanks for asking though." He nodded and started cutting up the snake tail for the potion as I put in three drops of phoenix tears into the cauldron.

"So Evans I have a better question why won't you go out with me?" James asked looking suddenly serious.

"Because Potter you're an arrogant Prick." And I'm scared you'll leave me once you know what my dad did….I'm scared of being hurt again. You can't heal my heart.

"Okay Evans….I'm sorry." I looked up stunned I'd never heard him utter those words to anyone else.

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because I should know when to understand no means no. So I get it just friends from now on, okay?" I nodded but felt somehow disappointed at the same time.

From then on we worked on our potion silently.

Once we were done we went back up to the dormitory and I went to my room sprawling on my bed releasing every emotion as tears poured down my face. I couldn't help but wonder why I was crying so much lately. I grabbed for my razor and slipped off robes and white button up shirt standing in front of the mirror. I squeezed the fat between my fore finger and thumb before releasing it dragging the blade across my stomach.

Blood pooled up at the surface but not enough I moved the blade to my arm just two inches above my elbow and dragged it across one, two, three times wincing in pain.

Blood pooled in thick droplets before running down my arm. I put on my shirt again and made my way to the bathroom running a bath. I made it burning hot before sinking in wincing but scrubbed myself down as I did lately wishing to wipe off the fifth my dad's touch brought. I broke down in loud sobs knowing nobody but me and James were allowed in here. "Oh poor little red head crying all alone." A voice rang out and I looked up startled as I saw moaning Myrtle.

"Go away." I said as she came closer.

"Why? Afraid I'll tell somebody? You're very pretty why would you have any reason to cry?"

"I said. GO AWAY!" I shrieked before going underwater and swimming from one end of the tub to the other. I got into the rhythm and swam laps around the pool until I felt a little better Moaning Myrtle no longer in sight.

I got out spinning my hair into a towel and dried off putting my school robes back on before brushing my hair. I used a spell and immediately it was soft and dry. I brushed it once more and noticed a chunk came out as I ran my hand through it afterward, only about twenty-five hairs but it still scared me.

I went down to dinner and sat beside Nicole and Beatrice. Potter sat across from be in between Sirius and Remus. I looked at him and he smiled at me, he seemed genuine around his friends maybe Remus had been right maybe it was all an act.

"Lily?" I looked at Beatrice and she laughed pointing to my empty plate. "Going to eat?" I nodded and put some vegetables, rice and a bit of curry on my plate before digging in. It tasted heavenly but I couldn't help but think about how fat I looked. As dinner ended Beatrice and Nicole tried getting me to do homework with them but I told them I'd see them in twenty minutes before going to the prefects' bathroom.

I bent down in front of the toilet and shoved a finger down my throat. At first nothing came then I felt the bile rising in my throat and felt it all come up. I repeated this until my stomach felt empty.

I brushed my teeth before I went back to the common room meeting up with Nicole and Beatrice in front of the fire place. I sat down and started working on the essay for Transfiguration. I sighed feeling slightly disappointed in myself and excused myself going back up to my room just as tears brushed my cheeks. I was so sick of this pain, so sick of feeling like _this._

I pulled on pyjamas and dug the blade into my ankles sliding it around before collapsing into bed.

**So ya...hope you enjoyed it the song title Easier To Run-Linkin Park kinda well spoke to me...It's not on my Ipod (yet) So I googled songs about haunting memories and cutting (cuz I do that) and found it...I kinda felt it fit for this :) So ya I'm sorry for a few things fast paced it is is a bit OOC everything and 4.I'm sorry she's such a fucking downer and well 5.I'm just sorry...**


	5. I Don't Want to be Me

**Hi sorry for being late...it's just been a hectic few days so anyways here's chapter 5...enjoy :)**

"Evans! Breakfast!" I sighed getting up and went to the door opening it a crack.

"Thanks James." I said and he smiled nodding before taking off down the stairs his cloak trailing behind him. I went back into my room tossing my blood stained pyjamas into a corner. I pulled on my robes and looked at the watch on my wrist stalling in my room before going down for the last two minutes of breakfast.

"Hey you missed it. You going to last till lunch?" Nicole asked as soon as I sat down beside her and I nodded knowing I could last much longer than that.

"I'll be fine if I get hungry I can get Potter to escort me to the kitchen, right Potter?" He looked up from his homework and I just shook my head. "just say yes."

"Unless you're asking me out on a date the answer is I want to know what the question is first." He said with a smirk.

"Actually it's if I get hungry later you'll escort me to the kitchen."

"Like a date?" He asked hopefully and I glared at him. It made me hopeful but I knew as long as I was in this state nobody would ever love me. Yet I wanted him to keep showing interest I couldn't help it but I wanted him to be mine.

"In your dreams, Potter."

We were dismissed and Nicole, Beatrice and I started walking to herbology. "You so like Potter." Beatrice said and I looked at her alarmed.

"No I don't." I said defensively and Beatrice crossed her arms.

"I cry bullshit."

"Nope I don't. We're friends that's all."

"Oh come off it, just admit it I saw the way you looked at him."

"So what if I do?" I said and Nicole and Beatrice smiled at each other.

"You have to ask him out. He's like you_ forever_. You two are so cute." I shook my head furiously and Nicole looked at me.

"Why not?" She asked.

"Because…because…I just can't. He could never really love me….I'm too….well I focus a lot more on my studies than he does." I said not wanting to tell them the real reason.

"Whatever Lily just saying you'd make him really happy." I shrugged knowing she was wrong he would be happy for a while then he'd figure out my problems and run I couldn't be a burden to him.

The rest of the week continued the same way with Nicole and Beatrice telling me to ask potter out but I refused. Nobody noticed my eating habits but it seemed James had his eyes constantly on me.

On Sunday dinner we were eating dinner and James looked at me strangely "You drinking coffee, Evans?" I nodded and he raised his eyebrows. "Why?"

"Helps me stay alert lots of homework tonight." I said and he nodded and pushed his plate forward.

"You don't even have homework." Nicole said accusingly.

"ya we got that paper due in Charms." Beatrice swore under her breath and sighed.

"Anyways I'm going to go for a quick walk, I'll see you guys upstairs afterwards." I said and went outside. Today was the end of my three day fast. I'd managed to avoid breakfast, lunch and dinner by saying I had major cramps or that I'd been up earlier and had breakfast then.

I went outside and started running around the school campus. It cleared my head and I felt exhilarated and free. "Hey there Snivelus." I hid behind the tree hearing Potter and Sirius.

"What do you want?"

"Some fun, see we're bored."

"And Lily is nowhere near to protect you." I looked down in disappointment James hadn't changed after all.

"Levicorpus!"James screamed and I looked around the corner to see James in the air. I ran the short distance but found I felt dizzier than I first have. The earth spun and the ground disappeared from beneath my feet.

"Lily! Lily!" James screamed as the dots spread, darkness surrounding me.

**ya another cliffy...will James find out? :P tee hee **

**-Little Miss Fake it**


	6. Paper Bag

**Okay well this chapter is REALLY short, sorry I'll try and update tomorrow but it's difficult there's so much going on. So anyways enjoy :)**

I woke up in the hospital wing James by my side his head on the bed. He looked so cute when he was asleep, more peaceful and less mischievous. His dark brown hair was in front of his eyes and he had a small smile on his face.

I sat up slowly looking around and bit my lip as I remembered passing out. I was such an idiot how could I have done that?

"lily?" James asked as he looked up I smiled and wiped the tears from my eyes.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm good. I'm sorry James." I said pressing my lips together.

"Madame Pomphrey said you hadn't eaten for three days is that true?" I nodded and he shook his head.

"Why?"

"I didn't feel well."

"And your legs." I looked down.

"I can't tell you…. I'm sorry James."

"You called me James…Lily please." I shook my head and he took my hands. "I'm just. Don't hate me." He said before putting a hand on my cheek before he leaned forwards and kissed me.

I kissed him back happily and he smiled pulling away. "Lily you can tell me."

"Not now. I just tripped a few times over the summer and got into one too many fights with Petunia." He nodded slowly before he put his hand on mine.

"Lily nothing you say or do could make me hate you." I smiled and Madam Pomphrey came into the room.

"Oh hi Lily good afternoon. I see you are still here Mr. Potter would you be so kind as to escort Miss Evans to her room?" He nodded and I got out of the bed his arm slipping easily around my shoulders.

We went to my room and he smiled at me and I went in. He kissed me softly and I smiled. "I'll pick you up for dinner okay?" I nodded and he kissed my forehead.

"James?" He nodded and looked back at me. "I just…thank you."

"no problem go, rest I'll be in the common room if you need me." I nodded and went into my room collapsing into my bed thinking of whether or not I should tell James Potter about my secrets.

**So there you go a kind of cute ending...but anyways hope you liked it I'll try and update tomorrow :)**

**-Little Miss Fake it**


	7. Quicksand

**Okay well hi again...sorry i started upddating every 2 days it's just I still have a Civics project and the next few days are especially busy. I have youth group tomorrow night (I'll try and update during the day) friday I;m seeing the hunger games with my boyfriend (SO excited!) and there's a youth group sleepover that night and I might be painting my room this weekend...so I'll try and update soon :)**

September became October and nobody noticed how I escaped to the bathroom after meals, James made all my problems disappear he made me feel….well like a princess.

I sighed sitting on my bed and looked down at my hands. James was at Quiddich holding try-outs and everyone else was doing homework. I preferred to be alone these days only because nobody understood why I stopped eating, nobody understood my constant battle with the mirror but me. James often commented on how I was getting skinnier but I just told him I was running more. But since then he'd started coming with me every night which I actually preferred.

I sighed as I lay on my bed and started reading one of my favorite muggle books.

"Lily?" I looked up to see James in the doorway and smiled as he walked in and sat beside me on my bed running a hand up and down my spine. "How are you?"

"Good, how did tryouts go?" I asked and he smiled

"Well we found a new Chaser and a new beater so we're set for the first game." I smiled and he lay down on his stomach beside me. "I missed you though." He said putting his arm around me and kissing my cheek.

I smiled and switched so I was lying on my side and buried my head in his chest. "Come on let's go to the common room." He said and got up picking my up in his arms as he walked down the stairs carefully.

"You've lost more weight." He said and I shrugged.

"I must just be losing my baby fat." I said casually and he nodded shrugging. We got to the common room and he sat me down in a corner on his lap. Sirius and Remus were already there and started talking to him about how great a few of the players had been.

"Lily?" I looked up and Sirius laughed slightly. "I asked if you wanted to go to dinner." I looked at James and nodded.

I got up and helped him up before taking his hand and walking to the dining hall. We sat and I gave in I ate everything that looked good. I ate curry, biscuits, cheese covered potatoes with bacon, Caesar Salad, seasoned vegetables and a bit of steak. James looked at my surprised as I dug in.

"Hungry?" James asked and I nodded. "Well it seems like it you're eating almost as much as Sirius. Sirius blushed and I couldn't help but laugh.

"You okay Remus?" I asked as I saw he looked pale and sick.

"Ya just not feeling well." I nodded and shot him what I hoped to be a sympathetic look.

We finished dinner and I told James I'd meet him outside I just had to run upstairs and change first.

I stopped by the bathroom feeling guilty and continued on my normal routine. I shoved a finger down my throat and gasped as everything came up tears running down my face.

"Lily!" I jumped as a familiar voice called my name and looked up ready for a tirade.

**Okay sorry for the slight cliffy. So what do you guys think James will do? I know since I have the chapter pre-written many thanks to my boyfriend for giving me his opinion when I was stuck (Love you Auzzie bear :P ) So anyways the song for this chapter was tricky but in the end I decided on Sleeping At Last-Quicksand. So anyways have a good night (or for some of you morning/afternoon) and I love reviews :)**

**Little Miss Fake It**


	8. Fix a Heart

**Okay Hi guys I'm actually submitting this on Wednesday into my documents just so it's ready to upload, I hope you don't hate me too much...but trust me I'm going to fix it :) 33333**

"I can explain."

"What? How you're making yourself throw up? You know Lily I'm smarter than you think, I looked up muggle illnesses you want to know what I think?" tears filled my eyes and I pressed my lips together not trusting my voice.

"I think you're anorexic with bulimic tendencies." I looked down as a tear slid onto my hand.

"What are you waiting for? Leave, run. I understand why would you want me? I'm damaged." I said quietly as I stood. He stood his ground and sighed looking down.

"Lily you have to let me inside." I looked up at him and shrugged not knowing if I could. "Lily I can't have a relationship with no trust, I can't do it." He said as he went to turn away.

"My parents abused me okay? It's not exactly easy for me to let people inside. I just can't okay? You happy? I'm damaged, broken! I'm no good just…just leave." I cried and immediately regretted it as he looked at me before he continued walking.

"Whatever Lily you obviously don't want my help. See you around." He looked defeated, upset and slightly….well broken. I slid down the wall before going up to my room and pulling my razor from my trunk. I slid it across my ankles, wrists, stomach everywhere I could and smiled as blood ran from all areas of my body.

I watched the blood for a while before going to the bathroom once again and cleaning up the cuts before slipping on pyjamas and climbed into bed realizing I had no tears to cry I felt numb.

I didn't get out of bed the next few days when Nicole and Beatrice visited my room I just told them James and I had broken up and I didn't feel well. I didn't tell them why and apparently he didn't either, they delivered my homework as I just wallowed in self-pity.

"Hey Lily time to get up!" Nicole called coming into my room and I looked up shaking my head. "Come on we're going to Hogsmead today." I shook my head and curled up in a ball as Nicole dragged my blanket away. "Come on." I groaned and got up and she laid out my uniform for me. I kicked her out as I pulled off my pyjamas and pulled on my knee socks, skirt, white button up shirt, sweater and cloak before I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and met Nicole.

She smiled at me before leading me downstairs and together her Beatrice and I went to Hogsmead.

"So how are you Nicole?" I asked and she smiled at me.

"I've been good. I have to tell you something though…" I looked at her and nodded. "I'm going out with James now." I looked at her and turned on my heel.

"How could you?" Beatrice followed me and I sank down to my floor of my room Beatrice sank beside me and hugged me. We sat like that for a few hours talking mostly about everything but James. She just got me through it and for the first time in a long time I didn't use a blade to soothe my pain.

I only wished James had accepted me but now I had more the reason to starve myself if nobody was going to love me, I could at least love myself. James was just an arrogant prick anyway. He never cared I was only fooling myself. Who could ever love me?

**So there you go...Don't start a mob outside my door okay? And if you have to run to my boyfriend's house...he's the one who told me to take the story in this direction (right Auzzie bear? :P ) So ya...until next time. Also the song is Fix A heart-Demi Lovato 333 **

**-Little Miss Fake it**


	9. White Horse

**Okay hi all sorry for the delay things have been crazy and I've been well...unmotivated to say the least. So ya...enjoy and sorry. **

"Evans!" I sat up and cringed at the sound of the voice of no other than James Potter came into my room Wednesday afternoon. I sighed and he entered smiling.

"What do you want?" I asked and he looked sympathetic as if seeing me like this tore him apart as well.

"I wanted to apologize. This isn't right, Lils you can't just stay in here because of me. You're wearing away before our eyes."

"I'm fine James."

"No that's the thing you're not, you've been telling me you are since the summer but you're not."

"You can't just come waltzing back in here pretending to be my friend." He nodded before turning.

"I'm sorry Lils. I want to make this up to you." He closed the door and I curled up into a ball letting the tears escape. I missed him so much but he'd moved on, I wasn't supposed to fall for him…..

Luckily as I returned Thursday my teachers were understanding and welcomed me back with open arms none of them remarked on my absence but seeing James alone hurt. I wanted to run away from him but I knew that'd be immature. Luckily Beatrice stayed close but I soon figured out Nicole had been lying to hurt me as James blew her off when she tried kissing him.

I sighed and ate but still threw it up, it seemed I couldn't get through the day without either starving myself or making myself throw up. I looked better than I had in months and the past few days lying in bed I'd only let the fat sit there, I needed to run and work it off.

I went outside and ran by the ocean the cold October air cut through me but I ignored it needing to forget and running was the only way I could. After a few laps I went up to my room, I looked down the hall longingly towards James' door. I missed him but I would never admit it, I looked down before going into my room. I stopped and stared in the mirror; I looked thin but not thin enough. My body was cut up all over and there were multiple scars all over me.

I went to bed telling myself it'd get easier but I didn't believe it, every time I saw James I felt a stabbing pain in my heart. I only wanted him to love me….but he couldn't handle me. I only burdened everyone in sight….

"Evans! Breakfast!" I sat up and got dressed before quickly shoving all the finished essays done and textbooks into my bag. I ran to Potions and sat at the back saying hi to Mr. Slughorn and handing in the two essays that were due.

"How are you doing Lily?"

"I'm good Professor. Feeling much better." He nodded encouragingly as I sat near the back.

"Did you already have breakfast Miss Evans?"

"Yes I finished early." I said and he nodded I put my head on the table and thought to myself. It might be easier if me and James weren't together. This way there was no guilt about me losing my virginity to dad, I wouldn't have to hate him for taking it from me.

But at the same time I missed James….I wanted him back but he showed just how much of a burden I really was. I am unlovable. I sighed pulling out a pulling and a piece of paper I doodled and drew as well as wrote little sayings I wish I could tell James or things I felt about myself as my class started filing in. Unfortunately James sat beside me but luckily he was silent.

"Okay class just work on your essays for this class tomorrow we're doing an optimism potion." I snuck a glance at James' paper before figuring out that was one of the essay's I'd finished and continued on my piece of paper until it was finished.

"Evans?" I looked up and tried to keep my heart from beating too fast as I looked into James' hazel eyes. "I'm just sorry." I nodded and he looked at my paper. "Can you ever forgive me?"

"I don't know. I think the better question is can I ever forgive myself" I said truthfully James looked concerned.

"Why would you need to forgive yourself you did nothing wrong." He said and I rolled my eyes.

"You're wrong. I have a lot to blame myself for." Too many things to count… I said silently and he nodded slowly.

"I'm sorry for how I reacted Lils, I shouldn't have….I just I'm here for you okay?" I nodded knowing I couldn't trust him fully.

He sighed looking away unhappily as class ended and we continued going to Defence Against the Dark Arts together luckily I had this class with Beatrice. She sat beside me silently and patted my hand and smiled whenever she saw me looking at James.

"It'll be okay." She whispered to me as we started on the essay that Miss. Gale assigned us an essay on the importance of defensive spells. I sighed and went to work on the essay submerging myself to keep my mind off the messy haired, arrogant yet kind-hearted and sincere boy in front of me.

Beatrice and I went to lunch and she smiled at me reassuringly we sat down and I filled my plate with salad as I felt eyes on me. I turned to James as he quickly looked away I sighed wondering if we could ever go back to the way things were.

I missed his arms around me, I missed the cute conversations, the careful kiss of his lips on my forehead as I drifted off to sleep in his arms….

I pulled out the piece of paper I'd been doodling on earlier and wrote one thing in big letters on the folded piece of parchment. _I still love you._

Lunch ended and Beatrice and I went off to charms mostly I acted like a zombie, I did the charms and participated but all I wanted was to curl up into bed and forget about the world, forget about James. Or maybe I'd go for a run wearing my muggle shorts and a tank top, exposing my cuts to the fresh autumn air.

As the day ended I told Beatrice I needed alone time before running upstairs and putting on long sweatpants and a sweatshirt. I'd decided I didn't want to risk anybody seeing my cuts quite yet.

I went outside and started running around the lake like I usually did breathing in the cold air was calming. "Hi Lils." I groaned as no other than James Potter approached me and I couldn't help the butterflies that filled my stomach.

"What are you doing Potter?"

"Well I told you I'd make it up to you. You're not talking to me so I figured I'd join you, try and figure out why you run every day. Try and talk to you, rebuild your trust. I miss you." Just those three words caused tears to fill my eyes, I wanted nothing more than to hug him and kiss him but I knew I couldn't, I had to be strong.

"James….this isn't fair…" I kept running and went faster than him hoping to throw him off but he only matched my pace as I had to stop because I was breathing so hard.

"You okay?" James asked stopping beside me I nodded as he approached me putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Don't. Touch. Me." I said and he nodded backing away. I slowly realized nobody had touched me except Beatrice and James since summer break and I wondered what would happen if it were anyone else? I'd heard about rape victims, about how they'd be forced into panic attack just from a simple touch.

"Come on Evans I'm taking you to your room."

"No, you can't do this! You can't just waltz off then come back expecting me to crawl back into your arms." I said as tears ran down my face. "It isn't fair." I said as I sat against a tree wrapping my arms around myself. James sank down to my level and placed his hands on my knees.

"I understand, I feel so guilty for hurting you. If I could redo it I never would've turned away. It's done though I only want you back." I sniffled wiping my eyes and he sat beside me pulling me against him. I gripped the front of my t-shirt and cried realizing that years ago Severus had been right "The only person you want when you're crying is the person who made you cry in the first place."

**So ya...there you go. I will fix this. I mean I always viewed James as loyal and I plan on keeping it that way :) Also A.L.E.K if you're reading this CHECK YOUR DANG DEVIANART. That is all **

**-Little Miss Fake It**


	10. Someone Like You

**Okay I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry for the delay I've been majorly stressed I had five projects due this week** **two of which had to be presented in front of the class. Anyways a major thanks to my new beta for making my life that much easier :D **

**Anne- Thank you I'm glad you like it :)**

**Chrissy-Thank you and ya as I learned in psychology guys have two different responses fight or flight. I envision James as kind of in the middle. When he gets angry he leaves but only to re-evaluate the situation before returning. **

**Faith- Ya I'm kinda glad you can relate... just PM me if you need somebody to talk to kay? :) I've been through that same tough spot before and would love to help anyway I can. **

I woke up in my bed and remembered giving into James last night and allowing him to carry me in here. It must've been around four in the morning so I got up and went to the prefect's bathroom. I showered quickly, scrubbing down my body and washing out my red locks before going back to my room; yawning all the way.

I groaned when I entered my room and lay down in bed, realizing it was Saturday. I used a simple spell to dry my wet hair before dropping off into a fitful sleep. I slept until around twelve, when I awoke to the sound of James opening up my door.

"Good morning, breakfast time." I moaned and rolled over as he laughed, coming closer. "Come on Evans you need food."

"No I don't." I grumbled and I knew he was standing with his hands on his hips giving me an accusing look.

"You do." I shrugged and he down on my bed and started stroking my hair gently.

"James?" He looked at me nodding as I faced him. "Were you ever going out with Nicole?"

"What? No." He said surprised and I nodded unsure of whom to trust; on one hand I wanted so badly to believe him but I wasn't sure if I could trust him just yet.

"Okay…" He lay down holding me against him.

"I won't lie to you Lily, you're the only girl I've ever loved." I looked at him, completely shocked as he kissed my head gently. "It's true every time I see you it feels like butterflies are assaulting my stomach, when I see you hurt, I hurt. Hurting you tore me apart on the inside and all I wanted the minute I turned my back on you was to turn around. You just shocked me Lils, I didn't expect that I didn't know what I expected. I just….I want you to be better. I hate seeing you hurt but I'm here now and I….I want to get through this together if you want me still." I looked at him happily as tears of joy filled my eyes.

"I love you James Potter." I paused after this, deciding what to say before continuing. "I just….can we take things slow? I don't know if I'm ready to trust you fully yet…" He nodded and started stroking my hair gently before leaning forward and kissing my forehead once more.

**Okay sorry for the short-ness but well the next chapter will be longer I'm working on it as we speak :) so I hoped you like it, review because reviews make me happy and if I don't reply right away it's only because my phone decided to stop receiving emails -_-**

**-Little Miss Fake it**


	11. Save You

**okay guys i'M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry about the breaks between chapters I won't even explain...I've just been stressed lately. I still don't have an idea for next chapter either... So I dunno we'll see. Thanks guys for being patient :)**

"Lily! Breakfast!" James called before bursting into my room. I rolled over and ignored both him and the light. He came and lay beside me gently stroking my arm through my long-sleeved shirt. "Come on." He said brushing a strand of hair behind my ear, making light flood into my vision. "Why not?"

"I….I just no."

"I wasn't searching for an explanation you don't have to tell me." He said before getting up "Five minutes." He called out, before closing the door behind him.

I let out a breath once the door clicked shut. I had been so close to saying "I don't want food."

Why is it I wanted to tell this boy everything? I wanted to tell him about my father, my eating disorder, how freak-ish I feel - everything.

I wished he hadn't gone but I knew there'd be other chances to confess, I only wished the guilty feeling in my gut would leave. I also wished I didn't have this urgent feeling to tell James Potter everything. I wanted so badly to tell him I wanted to eat, for him but it felt like some sort of imaginary force kept pushing me farther, seeing how long I could last without food.

I got up and dressed as James knocked again before opening the door fully. He smiled walking over and hugged me picking me up and twirling me around. "You look beautiful." I smiled as he put me down and he kissed my cheek taking my hand and led me downstairs.

We sat down at the table and James looked at me smiling, so I put a little bit of an omelette, hash browns, strawberries and oranges on my plate.

"So are you coming to watch the Quidditch game, we're playing Ravenclaw?" James asked me. I nodded happily, food still in my mouth. "Cool, cheer as loud as you can, it makes the other girls jealous." I laughed shoving him slightly but he only came closer, catching me by surprise and quickly kissing me.

I smiled as I put the last bit of biscuit into my napkin and pushed my plate away from me. We headed off towards the field together and I kissed James goodbye as he went towards the change room. I went into the stands by myself and tried standing in a secluded corner, not touching anybody.

I tried watching James carefully as he floated around the skies effortlessly, but it just seemed difficult people because were brushing against me and soon I couldn't fight off the memories.

"You stupid whore, who could love you!"

"Scream my name, bitch."

The memories overwhelmed me and I began to feel dizzy. I fought my way out of the stands until I was out on the grounds again, where I just turned and said a silent apology to James before I went and ran to the lake. Even though it was kind of cold I sat by the lake on my stomach sticking my finger in.

I let my tears fall as I remembered the first time my father had ever laid his dirty hands on me and I had cried, wanting to wipe off all the filth. I had blocked it from my mind a long time ago, why did it have to try and invade now?

"Lils?" I jumped letting out a small squeal as James walked over running his hand through his hair as he sank down beside me.

I leaned into him and his arms wrapped around me slowly. "What's wrong Lils?"

"I'm damaged….how can you love me?" I asked and his hand started running through my hair gently.

"I think you're perfect just the way you are, nothing could make me think of you as damaged. I promised I wouldn't leave again and I won't. "

"James…"

"You can trust me I'm sorry, love." I looked up questioningly and he smiled.

"Love?" I asked and he kissed my head gently.

"I've been calling you love in secret for two years now." He smiled stroking my hair before continuing. "So what happened?"

I hugged him and he held me holding on tightly but I didn't notice until I pulled away and saw the seam marks on his arms from my sweater.

"I'm just….there's stuff I haven't told you. I just… being near people and touching strangers it makes me uneasy." He nodded and slightly pulled away before I pulled him back against me. "With you it's different, I want to curl into you rather than run."

"Lily…I hate asking but can you tell me why?" I looked down and held onto his hands to ensure he wouldn't run away.

"My dad raped me."

"What?" He asked and I swallowed as tears stained my eyes.

"He raped me." I said again as a tear fell he stood open mouthed before pulling me into his arms rubbing my back swearing he wasn't going anywhere.

**Okay so I included cute Jily :) and I dont know when the next chapter will be honestly I'm super busy with my boyfriend's birthday coming up (8 days!) and i'm nowhere near done his present...I'm just hoping he likes it... but anyays enough about me review, review, REVIEW :) **

**-Little Miss Fake it**


	12. Broken

**Okay sorry it's so late but it's been a busy week. I've had one presentation, two projects and my boyfriend's birthday and the week isn't even over yet. But this weekend it'll all be worth it :D I love when my dad goes out of town it means FREEEEEEEEEEEEDOM anyways enjoy the chapter :)**

Chpt 12:

Like all happy moments do, this one had to end. James eventually pulled away; his fists clenched making fear burned in the pit of my stomach, spreading like wildfire.

"I'll kill him…" I stepped back until I was against a tree. "How could he have hurt you?" James asked his voice rising. I couldn't move images of my father's fists coming in contact with my jaw – I stood there, petrified. I looked up at James his fists curled and jaw clenched…it scared me.

I couldn't help it, I ran up the stairs and into my room avoiding the stares as I collapsed onto my bed breathing heavily. My father's words filled my ears and clouded my thoughts though I wished I could escape them. I curled up into a ball as I sat in the corner of my bed so I was facing the wall, feeling like I was suffocating.

"Lils?" I heard James, his voice soft as if he were talking to a wounded animal.

"Please don't hit me." I said quietly as he came closer. I heard him pause by the end of the bed and turned my head slightly so I saw a strangled expression quickly go across his face.

"Listen to me Lils, I would never, _ever _hurt you." He pulled me against him as he lay down and I turned crying into his shoulder.

"I'm sorry James I cry way too much." I said softly, trying to even out my breath by copying his.

"You want to know what I think?" He asked and I shrugged wanting him to continue. "I think crying takes much more strength than faking a smile. Forcing a smile is easy but trusting somebody enough to cry in front of them takes so much more strength." I had to smile. This James, the selfless, caring James was the James I'd been missing out on.

This James is the one I loved with all my heart. "I love you."

"I love you more, beautiful." I moved my arms so they were around him and squeezed. He kissed my head lovingly stroking up and down my spine sending shivers through me. "So Lily are you ready for dinner?" I shook my head and he smiled pulling me to my feet anyway.

I intertwined my fingers in his and followed him to the dining hall. We sat down at the Gryffindor table. I turned feeling like I was being watched and caught eyes with no other than Severus Snape. I smiled and he slightly smiled before a worried expression crossed his face.

I filled my plate with some macaroni and cheese, garlic bread and a deep dish pizza. James smiled at me as I ate and soon desert was served. James put a brownie on my plate and gave me puppy dog eyes saying "Please."

"James why are you asking her to eat a brownie? What are you anorexic or something? You're already the perfect weight." Sirius asked from his spot next to Remus. James shot him a glare and I looked down, pushing the brownie away.

"Don't even pull that Sirius. Ever." Sirius nodded and his eyes looked at me the laughter gone from his face.

"Sorry Lily I didn't mean it as an insult." I nodded smiling at him but still left the brownie untouched as we were dismissed.

"Hey James are you up for a run?" I asked on the way up to the common room.

"Not really, sorry Lily I'm still tired from Quidditch practice." I nodded and smiled inwardly as I ran up to my room and grabbed a pair of yoga pants and a long sleeved shirt before walking to the bathroom.

I sat over the toilet and shoved a finger to the back of my throat. A bit of bile came up so I tried again. Again a bit came up but I felt a bit on the back of my throat, trying to ignore my disgust. I sat over the toilet as more vile came up than before.

Finally my stomach felt empty and I changed clothes, shaking.

I started running by the lake as I heard footsteps coming towards me. I looked up as Severus came towards me and started running beside me.

"Hi Lily." I just glared at him and he continued. "You okay Lily?" He asked, sounding concerned. I had to hold back a laugh.

"You lost the privilege to care when you called me a mudblood."

"To care? We used to be friends."

"Yes used to." I said before starting to run faster, doing three more laps around the grounds before heading back to the common room, all out of breath and sweaty.

I went up to James and hugged him from behind, kissing his head. He turned diverting his attention from either homework or the fireplace I couldn't tell. "Sorry I smell. I was just about to have a shower," I explained. He only smiled, reaching back and running his fingers through my hair.

"It's okay I love your Lily smell," Peter gagged behind us and I shot him a grin.

"Okay lovebirds break it up, James you have work to do," Remus scolded him.

"Oh don't be such a spoil sport," James rolled his eyes at him.

"Thanks Remus, keep him in line." I winked.

"Moony, why did you have to get her on your side?" James whined and I smiled happily although I was slightly confused. I never did understand their nicknames but James had only mentioned that one day maybe he'd let me in on the secret.

"Anyways I need a shower," I began to back away, but was stopped by James' voice.

"Can I join you?" James asked in a husky voice. I laughed, slapping his arm playfully. I ran up the dormitory stairs and grabbed my robes before going to the prefects bathroom. I didn't feel like a bath so I just got into the shower in the far corner when it was hot enough.

I cried on the floor thinking of Severus – the first person I'd trusted with what happened at home and the person who turned away from me. He didn't care, he stopped talking to me.

"_My parents are abusive, Sev. That's what's always wrong!" _

"_Well you're just a stupid mudblood anyway." He said before turning away. I wanted to go after him but I figured he hated me now. After all who would ever love a _mudblood _like me. _

I cried harder recalling the memory and managed to reassure myself by saying at least James had come back….

**So review your thoughts. Good, bad? Like Severus or hate him? Anyways I'd better go I still have my new confession things on DA I'm working on. Search me up if you feel like it my username is ashleyorerin **

**-Little Miss Fake it**


	13. The Way She Feels

**Okay well sorry it took so long...I sent this to my Beta but I guess she has other stuff going on...It happens so I edited it the best I could and am now uploading it. If you see any errors review or PM me and I'll fix it as soon as possible...I have another hour left of my spare and plan on typing up my other chapter (I wrote it on my IPod) Okay so enjoy, review and well I really like the ending I hope you guys do too. :)**

"lily" I got up off the shower floor as I heard James' voice. "You okay?" I put a towel around me and went to the door opening it.

"I'm okay."

"Okay you've just been in there a while." He smiled at me and gently put a piece of my hair behind my ear. "Okay get dressed and come sit by the fire." I nodded and went back into the bathroom quickly slipping into my robes.

I finished getting dressed and went to the common room and sat by James in front of the fire. "How are you?"

"I'm alright."

"Just alright?" He nodded and I looked at him uneasily. "You matter more than I do." I shrugged wanting to know he said he trusted me and loved me but somehow right now I couldn't believe it. Had Sirius made a comment? Had he somehow found out about me having a conversation with Severus?

I closed my eyes and leaned into his chest "Tired?" I shrugged and he put his arms under my legs and lifted me up and carried me to my room. "Get some rest." I shrugged and he walked out closing the door. I looked in the mirror and my eyes filled with tears.

"Lily!" James entered my room and smiled. "Hi love." He sat down beside me and started stroking my hair.

"Hi." I said weakly.

"You okay?"

"Just don't feel well." I said and he nodded kissing my head. "Okay stay here today I'll get your homework for you." I nodded and he went down the stairs. I turned over shaking my head. Well two can play this game if he "cares" too much about me to trust me then I can do the same.

I got up going to the bathroom and stood in the shower turning up the water until I couldn't bear it and stood there for ten minutes.

I got up and stood in front of the mirror drying my hair before going back to my room. I stood in front of the mirror starring at my fat I grabbed my razor blade and ripped it out of the packaging. I knew I shouldn't do it James would find out but somehow I found myself dragging it across my upper arm.

Blood bubbled to the surface and I moaned out in ecstasy as the blood ran down my arm. I cut five more times before pressing the small square of toilet paper to it. A month ago it'd been my goal to make this one white square red and now I would succeed.

"Lily?" James opened the door and I dropped the razor to the floor. It made a small _ting _as it hit the hardwood. James looked at me then the razor dumbstruck.

James walked over calmly and for a moment I thought he was going to pull me close instead he crouched low to the floor and picked up the blade fingering it with his thumb. I wanted so badly to cower into a corner and hide. That look, that wounded puppy look tore right through me.

"How could you?" He pressed the blade to his forearm right below his elbow. I let out a cry and grabbed his hand pulling it away. "Fine then." He went to the window and threw it out the window. I cried out as he did so and he grabbed me by the shoulders pushing me backwards onto the bed.

"Stay here." He said as he walked out of the room. He came back a few seconds later with bandages and tended to my wounds cleaning them before dressing them. "How could you do this Lily? I thought you were getting better."

"I was…."

"So what happened?"

"You wouldn't tell me what was wrong. I figured it was something I did….you don't really love me do you?" He looked at me in shock before sitting next to me.

"I love you more than anything, Lily. I just can't trust people you have to understand that. I try so hard Lils. I do love you so much." I nodded and he hugged me kissing my head.

"I'm sorry the last person who ever said they loved me left." He nodded stroking my hair

"So why did you do it? There's something else."

"I saw Severus….I just….he was the first person I trusted with how my parents abused me and he just left. He didn't care, he never cared." I sighed as James nodded his fists clenching. I grabbed both his hands and smoothed out his hands not allowing him to hurt himself.

"I won't leave Lily I promise, I just I got scared was all but now I want to be here, you have to come get me if you feel this way handling it alone doesn't solve anything." I nodded and he brought my arm gently to his lips kissing on top of the bandages.

**Hi again :) So what do you think? Love, hate? I really enjoyed it I actually had to ask my boyfriend's opinion on what to do again...see he does make good decisions :) I just asked what he'd do if he saw me cutting and I kinda combined his answers...So ya until the next chapter Take care everyone **


	14. Hear Me

**Well by the end of this chapter you may hate me...I'm sorry for that but I promise it'll be worth it next chapter, lotds of Jily. :) So anyways I hope you guys enjoy it somewhat...again I didn't email this to my beta first so if you find any errors review or PM me :) **

The snow appeared at the beginning of December along with a letter from my parents. How they'd gotten it to me I had no idea since they hated using owls. They must've somehow tracked down an owl or something.

_Dear Freak,  
>You are to come home for Christmas this year. If you don't we'll have to come to that freak school and drag you out by the hair. Hope to see you soon.<br>_

It wasn't signed but I knew mum had written it. As soon as I finished my stomach dropped. I was alone in my room; James was at quiditch practice. I crumpled the letter and threw it as hard as I could towards my wardrobe. I dank to the floor hugging my knees as loud sobs escaped my lips.

James found me huddled in a ball and suddenly I felt like a four year old; I couldn't control my crying and when I did loud hiccups escaped. James walked up to me and sank down pulled me into his lap. I clung to him as tears escaped my red bloodshot eyes. I felt so hopeless I'd been hoping I'd escaped that hell hole only to be summoned back.

"What's wrong love?" James asked softly and I pointed to the crumpled letter. He got up putting me down softly on my bed as he reached for the letter. I watched his face carefully and it went from concern to rage. His fists clenched and I walked over tears still falling from my eyes. I took his hands in mine and tried putting my fingers between his nails and palms carefully. I managed and looked into his hazel eyes. They looked cold and hard, they'd gone a dark brown and showed no light.

"I won't allow it. They won't nearly kill you again! There have to be laws!" I jumped as his voice rose and he wrapped his arms around me squeezing tightly and to my surprise I felt one of his tears touch my head. "I won't allow it." He said sadly as he started shaking. I raised my head and kissed him gently before standing on my tip toes and pressing our foreheads together.

"James I'll be okay…I'm strong." I didn't really mean the last two words, I didn't believe them but it seemed worth saying, to convince both James and myself.

"You are Lils but they nearly destroyed you. This time they may succeed, I can't lose you. "

"I'll write you every day I promise" I said and he shook his head.

"You have one more week before you have to go. I don't want you going there….What will you eat? What about your dad?" I winced as images filled my head and shrugged.

"If anything happens I'll write you and you can fly in on your broomstick and save the day." I said brightly but he only smiled sadly.

"I would, it doesn't matter what time of day. You're more important to me than anything I wouldn't care if I got in trouble with my parents." I smiled slightly knowing I wouldn't write him. I'd only burden him…

I nodded anyway and he squeezed me lightly. "It's only a few weeks I'll be okay." I said trying to reassure him but knowing I couldn't.

"You've been good lately; eating and not self harming what about when you leave? I don't want to lose you again….You disappeared for a while…your mood was so dark. I'm sure inside your head was darker though."

"But you followed me in with a match." I said smiling and he kissed my forehead. "I got out because of you." He smiled slightly brushing my hair behind my shoulder.

"I just don't want to lose you….I want you to continue getting better. This may only make you worse." I nod knowing he's right…but at the same time I had no choice in the matter.

"I'll be okay I'm stronger now." He nodded and led me backwards so we're lying on my bed. I lie down so my head is on his shoulder and I'm curled up against him.

"I just love you so much." He says softly as his fingers start running through my hair sending shivers down my spine.

"I love you too James, more than anything." He smiles and I curl up into him more feeling safer. Somehow I fall asleep against him wanting to stay in this moment forever.

"Lily come on wake up, love." I raise my head and look up at James smiling at him. I love waking up beside him, we do this every once in a while where we just fall asleep together. Usually I never sleep with my legs strait out but usually with James I do, I guess because he makes me feel so safe. When he's gone it feels like something is missing.

"Breakfast." I nod and get up not bothering to change from my old robes. I follow him downstairs and sit beside him putting food on my plate not really paying attention to what it is. It should matter in a week I'll be without food but somehow I can't seem to force myself to pay attention.

"You okay Lily?" Remus asked and I nodded smiling at him. "You sure? Your eyes are kind of red."

"Oh I must've just gotten shampoo in them during my shower. No big deal." I say easily and James takes my hand squeezing it lightly.

I act like a zombie all week, I eat, sleep and shower as if in a trance. James notices but barely ever comments. He only holds me and lets me cry late at night in his arms when my true emotion reveals itself. If he doesn't fall asleep with me he usually ends up coming in when I wake him screaming from nightmares.

On the final day we sit on the train wearing muggle clothes. Mine have been altered of course to fix but look better than before. "Send an owl if you need me and take this." He said pushing one of his sweaters into my hands. I smiled and put it in my trunk carefully. I see my mum and dad as we near the station and James follows my gaze squeezing my hand reassuringly.

"I love you." I say with tears in my eyes missing him already.

We get off the train and I hug him one last time before going over to my parents. "Hi dear we missed you." Mom says forcing me into a hug and leading me to the car. I look back seeing dad with my trunk and force a smile at James. He waves and I brush a tear from my eye.

"Come on Lily." Mum says forcefully grabbing my arm and digging her nails in. I bite my lip to keep from calling out and get in the back seat beside Petunia.

"Guess you were wrong, freak you're home again." But with these people would never be where I considered home.

As soon as we got home dad looked at me and grunted. "You can take your own bloody trunk." I grabbed the handle and pulled the trunk starting up the stairs wincing as pain shot up my arm.

I sat in my room starring at the blood stained comforter and sheets remembering how this had been my home once upon a time. But ever since that Hogwarts letter came I'd been treated as an outsider.

My first night in the house I was left alone luckily as I curled up with James' sweater inhaling his scent.

"Hi fatty time to make breakfast." Petunia squealed before running down the stairs again. I got up and started downstairs making bacon and pancakes.

I put the plates on the table before going upstairs and opening _History of Hogwarts. _Reading it somehow made me feel a little bit closer to home but I still couldn't forget where I was.

"Lily!" Dad came stomping up the stairs and into my room. I looked up as he grabbed my book holding it up before throwing it across the room. "What is this rubbish?" I wince expecting the blow that follows as he pulled my up by the hair.

I walk into my room limping Christmas Eve and let out a small sob. "Oh James I miss you." I cry I don't want to be here, not on Christmas eve. Some kids got candy and toys for Christmas I get beaten.

"lily?" I sit up hearing James' voice and looked around. "Lily?" I hear it coming from his sweater and take it in my hands feeling it before finding a piece of mirror with hazel eyes reflecting back at me.

**Ya little bit of a cliffy but personally I enjoy it. I might not update again right away since my laptop is slowly breaking down and I'm currently painting my room, I can't find anything at the moment it's a miracle I even found clothes this morning! but ya review, review, review.:)**

**-Little Miss Fake It**


	15. Beside You

**Okay hi sorry for the lack of update lately. My beta is still MIA :/ so well here's chapter 15. I'm still searching for a song for the title as we speak and I'm in psychology class. I'm thinking some Marianas Trench? Hmmm? Maybe... well anyways enjoy :)**

How did you- James I… I missed you." I say stuttering trying to get out what I really want to say.

"I'm coming to get you." I shook my head still starring into his eyes as his eyebrows lift slighjtly in concern.

"But it's Christmas Eve."

He shook his head biting his lip. "You need me. I'll see you within the hour." I nodded as his face disappeared leaving me holding a shard of mirror with no reflection but my own. I packed all my stuff and put the mirror in my pocket before going downstairs.

"Mum, dad I'm leaving." Dad stood up fists clenched.

"No you are not! It's Christmas Eve." He said his voice slowly rising. I shrugged and he grabbed me by the throat pushing me against the wall behind me.

"You don't leave unless I say you can."

A loud BANG filled the room and dad was thrown backwards against the bookshelf. "Lily!" James rushed towards me and pulled me into his arms grasping the back of my head.

"Come on James grab Lily's trunk for her." James nodded unhappily and left me downstairs starring in disbeliefat my father. "It was only a simple stunning spell.

"You monster! She deserved it! She's such a stuck up bitch to everyone. She's a misfit; mum just had to sleep around!" I looked at Petunia stunned, I'd never heard about mom sleeping around. Mum starred at petunia in shock as everyone else starred at me.

"Mum…you slept around?"

"Why else would we hate you? You're a constant reminder of your scum father. I met your father afterwards."

"Come on Lily." James said grabbing my arm and pulling me outside. His dad put a charm so my trunk flew after us as we mounted the broomsticks. I got on behind James and buried my head in his back inhaling the scent of him, of home.

We landed in front of a small yellow house and James took my hand leading me towards the door. A women with long brown hair stood at the entry looking quite anxious as if waiting for our arrival. "Hi, you must be Lily, it's so nice to meet you." I smiled as she pulled me into a hug and I stood tense for a moment before wrapping my arms around her.

"Come on I made homemade cookies." I smiled as James' father disappeared upstairs and James took my hand leading me through the living room into a kitchen.

He pulled a chair out for me at the island and I sat down taking a cookie tentatively from the plate in front of me. "James told us that his girlfriend needed help so I figured you'd appreciate cookies. They always made James feel better when he was upset. " I smiled thanking her and she smiled at me.

"I also went out and bought a few things for under the tree. A bit last minute but it was no trouble." I looked at her confused and James laughed quietly.

"She means Christmas presents."

"Oh no, no, no. You didn't have to do that."

"It was no problem hun." Warmth filled my insides and I smiled, I'd never been called hun before.

"Anyways you two should hit the hay. Lily I imagine your trunk is in James' room. You can just sleep on the cot in there." I nodded and James led me from the kitchen up the stairs into his room. The walls were filled with quiditch posters and bands he enjoyed.

It suited him, it truly was James.

I went into the bathroom that was off of James' room and put on pajamas before looking in the mirror realizing how bad I truly looked. Below my nose was caked with blood and my face was different shades of yellow. I could see why James had been worried. I cleaned up before going back into his room and sitting on the cot.

He smiled at me and pulled me into his arms kissing my hair. "Go to sleep love." I nodded lying down closing my tired eyes.

I woke up in the middle of the night after a nightmare shocked, scared and not recognizing my surroundings. "Lily?" I sat up and went to James' bed climbing in beside him. "You okay?"

"Nightmare." He nodded wrapping his arms around me and I buried my head in his chest going back to sleep. "Go to sleep love. You're safe now." He whispered in my ear before I fell into sleep's clutches.

**Okay so now we know why Lily's family hates her. Anyways sorry if it's unrealistic to you. But if you want to contradict me or voice your opinion go for it but seriously I've had a horrible day and don't want to deal with what I consider bitchiness. So please just shove it. It's going to get written and updated whether you enjoy it or not. **


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